#TGIF!! This Is What Your Alcohol Bottle Would Say To You If It Was Honest

Hahaha. Its #TGIF! and many of you are prepping to go hit your favorite club or bar. Well, you need to read this first as #guidance protocol for choosing your drink. This is what your drink of choice would say to you if the bottles were honest. Lol... 

1. Vodka:

Honestly, from a girl's perspective whose drink of choice usually is vodka shots with a side of water, I can vouch for the fact that this is exactly why there's such a long line-up in the girl's washroom...because the majority of chicks drink vodka (to keep away the calorie monsters) and then they spend half an hour chatting it up, taking pictures annnnnd spewing out slurred compliments to each other (I guess it's better than the catty alternative). 

Just wait till you hear the "OHHHHHMAHHHGAWWWWD. LET'S GET SOME SHOTS!" and if they're particularly drunk, they'll add a "WOO!" in unison.

2. Wine:

Wine...oh, wine. The poison of choice when you're feeling particularly down about life and love and need a way to loosen up a bit...until you realize you've downed the entire bottle and half of another to find yourself half-crying and half-laughing with mascara streaming down your face as you're hugging the toilet for comfort, and for safety, in case you realize that you just can't keep down the wine and McDonald's any longer.

3. Fireball:

The screaming sentence "FIREBALL SHOTS!" awakens the PTSD in me, my hands start to shake, I get nauseated and I start to sweat. It's a sneaky one...lacing usually terrible-tasting whisky with delicious cinnamon to make you think "oh, I can handle 10 of these" only to blink and find yourself somewhere in an alley passed out on the sidewalk, sharing a blanket with some homeless guy at 6 am the next day. 

4. Tequila:

100% regret is the best thing I've ever seen on a bottle. It sums up 3/4 of my nights out and really makes me feel like I'm not alone when I choose to stumble onto a table, feeling sexy enough to dance where everyone can see me, mini skirt or not, and move my waist in an attempt to look like a mash-up of Shakira meetsCoyote Ugly without noticing how ridiculously wasted I look and that hair stuck to your face with sweat and lipstick smeared across your lips isn't entirely a sexy look.

5. Coconut Rum:

Nothing says "I can't handle actual alcohol, yet I'm still signing up for one of the most ridiculous hangovers of my life" like coconut rum. Unless you're a teenage girl who absolutely "needs to drink because like oh my god my ex Brody showed up to class today, like who does he think he is?!" then you need to put down the coconut rum and back away. Get yourself something good.

6. Jägermeister:

According to Urban Dictionary, it's "a.k.a. Liquid Crack. it will make you do things most liquor won't" and will apparently make you take chicks home that you wouldn't otherwise think of taking home whilst sober. It also tastes like a syrupy cough medicine full of spices and herbs, one shot too many will probably make you vomit like you drank the syrup of ipecac. This stuff is dangerous.

Oh and what better way to completely mess up your night than combining Jäger with Redbull. What's life without the risk of your heart stopping? Amiright?

7. Whiskey:

I've saved the very best for last. Whiskey: the booze that makes you either feel really confident that by booty calling your ex-girlfriend, she'll totally say yes because she hasn't stopped thinking of your d since the break up, or that by telling her you miss her at 4 am like this "i miser yuo" will get her back in your arms in no time, you romeo, you. Stay away from the whiskey, if you want neither of these things to happen...or make your friends take your phone away...or put a crazy unlock code like the guy below. 

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